MY FUTURE SELF

 

When I was forty years old, my girlfriend’s husband died at thirty-nine years of age. I will never forget the day I got the phone call that was to update me on his lung transplant. It was a given that he would survive it. Many did. After all, he was a healthy young man and it was a common procedure. When I found out that he had, in fact, died due an unexpected blood clot. I was stunned. For the first time in my life, I was forced to face my own mortality.

IN THE ZONE

At sixty-eight, I’ve thought a lot about getting older and what the next twenty or thirty years, God willing, might look like for me. I am in what you might call, “the zone” where I am beginning to witness my friends experiencing health scares, having to deal with reduced mobility, or other unforeseen conditions. In the past year two dear friends and passed away, and I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking, “How am I going to manage if something happens to my husband?” He’s going to be seventy on his next birthday. Sixty-nine didn’t seem so old, but all of a sudden seventy feels so much older. I immediately got out of bed and went downstairs to write a list of things I needed to ask him should he precede me on this final journey.

EUTHANASIA

One of the friends I spoke of who died during this past year, chose euthanasia. He’d been struggling for a couple of years with heart problems, and then cancer. When I got a message that he had chosen his exit date, I couldn’t help but think about what that might be like -- choosing the day you die. What was he thinking about during his final days? Did he have any second thoughts as the time drew near, or was he ready to end this life? I imagine it as a bitter-sweet time of regrets and joys of a life well-lived.

BATTLING THE PASSAGE OF TIME

I cannot lie. I have been fighting the passage of time for quite a while. I don’t think I did it deliberately. Nevertheless, I am awfully proud of looking younger than my age. Fitness and healthy eating have been a part of my life since I was a chubby teen in high school, when I decided to make some changes. As the years went by, I got involved in working out and became addicted to it. As I have gotten older, I have worked hard to stay fit and take great pride in still being able to hike challenging landscapes, kayak, and go on biking holidays. Being a writer keeps my mind sharp. And with this, curiosity keeps me engaged in the world around me.

But, even with all of this, time will still catch up with me. I can’t help but wonder what will be the thing that trips me up, slows me down, or makes it impossible for me to do all the things that I love. How will I manage whatever might happen? And will I be alone when it does?

LIVE WELL

But until that time, I intend to be excited about life, to have adventures, and to push the limits of my being. I will find joy in the simple things. I will foster friendships with young and old. I will keep my mind open to new ways of being in this world. I will continue to write until I can no longer hold a pen. I will travel and hike, and kayak, and ride my bike in different locales. But most of all, I will continue to live a life of meaning – doing things that fill me up and satisfy my burning desire for answers about everything. For in the end, that is all we can do to make this life worthwhile. When our bodies have turned to dust, and we are no longer of this earth, I’d like to think that it will be satisfying to know that I lived the life I wanted.